31 Days, Day 20: Why We Must Purge

The Purge movie series must continue.

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I get that they aren’t the best horror series in town. I get that they are filled with missed opportunities and lackluster beats. But the set-up for the Purge is too good to let lay fallow. Our culture needs The Purge like the people in the world of the film need their Purge.

The recipe is essential: take any current social issue, any current cultural matter, and plug it into a world where one night a year everyone can do whatever they want and get away with it. We watch how folks use that night to either epitomize or attempt to solve these problems.

TrumpIt allows us to view ourselves under a microscope. It’s like a cultural lab rat, a social science project, a cinematic petri dish. It must continue. We must Purge. Annually if possible.

The series has already tackled classism, racism, economic injustice, white privilege, secularized religion, the battle between security and freedom and even our broken electoral political systems.

All this is expertly slid through this filter and it comes out the other side as a good time viewing. All this good after only three films, why should we stop there?

The current buzz for Purge 4 is that it will be a prequel. A pre-purge film. The closing ideas of The Purge: Election Year (SPOILERS) provide meat for a rich post-purge story (END SPOILERS)

But why do this? There is still so much to do within the Purge. Why change the equation? There is still meat on those bones here people.

It’s okay, we can just set more Purge movies in the times the other movies have been set when the Purge is practiced in full force.

We don’t have to George Lucas this series (seriously “see the context in which the Purge became legal” sounds just like “intergalactic senate discusses trade embargoes”) we don’t have to see what the Purge was like as a kid in order to continue. Instead, I would like to suggest some other things we can examine with these Purge movies before changing the concept. We have some other important cultural topics we can tackle:

Immunizations

The Purge: Herd Immunity: A group of anti-vaccination purgers swarm together to kill a group of immunologists and doctors who had the poor judgment to schedule their conference over the Purge (“Look the convention hall came at a discount, it’s hard out there for reputable doctors in a world of snake oil and woo taking over”). The doctors can fight back with medical equipment and syringes. It also turns out that there has been a secret plot all along to discredit vaccines because they are about to develop one for the impulse to Purge itself! There can also be a sub-theme of doctors on the autism spectrum banding together to fight these folks who thought vaccines caused autism and would rather have old world diseases exist in the world then folks on the autism spectrum. CONTROVERSIAL!

The Purge: Home Run: Why is the fact that there are certain groups of African-Americans and their supporters that riot over systemic injustice something white people can’t understand? Why is this a problem but somehow rioting over the win or loss of a sports team is something they do easily understand? On this Purge night a group of hardcore baseball fans surround the stadium in which their favorite baseball team was sheltering from the Purge together in an annual team building tradition.

The team has had a five year streak of tough losses and the fans are tired of being embarrassed by their home team.

After losing many and being pushed to their limit, our heroic baseball team comes out looking like the Baseball Furies and they lay waste to the invading purgers with baseball bats, pitching machines and baseball cleats.

baseball furies

Also one guy fights them with hockey stuff because he was just traded down from a Canadian team and this is his first Purge (“I may not understand Purging, but I certainly understand Hockey fighting you hosers!”).

There should also be an announcer in the booth wearing a Bob Costas mask that is all all purged out narrating the whole thing. At the end a monologuing baseball pitcher points out from the mound that “Really, you would use your Purge because of a sports result? You would spend your Purge to solve a game? You can be using your purge to solve injustice, to bring attention to suffering in our communities, but instead it’s because we….” and at that point he’s killed by a purger dressed up like the team mascot who leads the Purgers in a team cheer. HARD-HITTING

The Purge: Generations: Lets settle this ongoing generational warfare once and for all in the Purge. Rather than continuing to write click-baity articles about who the worst generation is, let’s just have a group of hipster millennials and self-important boomers clash on the streets. Key scenes will occur on a college campus (“You told us this would give us a better future! But all I have now is debt!” and that Purger proceeds to drown a boomer in a pile of debt notices) and another in a retirement home (“This is where you’d have us go? To get us out of the way? You first!” and then a boomer proceeds to toss a milllenial into a day room where they are run over to death by wheelchairs.). The ending is when a group of WW2 vets get them to make peace at the end of their old timey tank. TIMELY.

old vs. young

The Purge: World Fire: Environmentalist hippie Purgers set out to destroy high carbon emitting industries they quickly find out that the Global Warming is a Hoax Purgers are using the night to hunt down and kill the worlds greatest climate change scientists. Do they change their Purge plan to protect the scientists or lay the death blow to carbon polluters? Do they have to calculate carbon offsets for how much carbon they will expel traveling to these scientists homes from the sites of their initial purge? How much pollution are they willing to create to save climate change science? There is A scene where it turns out the Environmentalist Purgers all carry Chinese weapons and this fuels the Hoax Purgers belief that this is really a Chinese plot to hurt American Manufacturing. Can the Hoax Purgers actually figure out how to find the climate change scientists homes when they scientists have cleverly removed the address numbers from their homes in anticipation of the easily lost and confused Hoax Purgers? At the end a squad with masks of Bill Nye and Neil Degrasse Tyson stomp out the hoaxers and the hippies all in one fell swoop from their Tesla Doom cars. EDUCATIONAL

The Purge 4: Saw 8: Can these two overly preachy horror franchise actually get along? When the site of a Purge team’s Purge night ritual turns out to be the same warehouse Jigsaw’s disciples are setting up their new trap maze, things get tense as they attempt to sort out who has been sold the false deed and who has legitimate ownership. Murder dungeon real estate law is complex you guys.

Will they realize they are both actually trying to teach the world the same lesson this time: that one should value their life as something something something in a society crumbling around them that benefited only the elites? Will this be horrors best “will they or won’t they” love connection? Can the Purgers develop a puppet in time to go toe-to-toe with Billy the creepy Saw Puppet? If a Saw trap is started at 12:01 on Purge night but the participants don’t finally bleed out until 12:01 on the day after the purge, is the trap still Purge legal? Can you just write a bunch of stuff like “God is Money” and “We are the Destruction” and a bunch of religious imagery on some Saw traps and call it a Purge night? SYNERGISTIC

the purge kiss me

Our way of life depends on this series continuing to tackle the tough issues. This country needs Purge movies in order to deal with these issues without actually having to institute a Purge itself.

Kevin Ireland
Master of Divinity / Master of the Universe

Kevin is a husband, father, huge horror fan, and so-so pinball player. He has two adorable children, a gorgeous wife, and an addiction to all things nerdy. When he’s not busy with the family, he’s working at the church, watching a movie, or reading the latest issue of any number of comic books. His daily routine isn’t too dissimilar from the life of Preacher, albeit a bit less violent.


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