Christmas Hurts: Three Twin Bills for the Dark Side of the Holiday
At this time of year, you literally can’t scroll for two seconds on any streaming service without coming across something that has to do with Christmas. Comedies, musicals, romance, thrillers and, most importantly for me, horror. No genre is left unturned in the very lucrative market of holiday-themed media. With such a wealth of options to choose from over the last month of the year, I decided to throw together three double features for whatever kind of mood you are in. I tried not to choose obvious flicks for my double bills, but some of these may very well be one of your faves already, while others – I hope – are choices that may not have been on your radar until you read this article. Let’s jump right in:
Sleazy Scares: P2 (2007) and Black Christmas (2006)
I wanted to start with a double bill of two sleazy, grungy little flicks that might require a strong will to endure for one reason or another. First off is Alexandre Aja’s P2, a small little horror thriller about a stressed out executive (Rachel Nichols) being kidnapped and tortured by an obsessed admirer, the parking garage security guard of her building (Wes Bentley) on Christmas Eve. What starts off as a simple kidnapping eventually develops into a vicious and gory miserable time, which is not entirely unexpected considering this is from the director of High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes remake. It’s a depressing as hell movie for sure, which can turn some off during this time of year, but its 90-ish minute running time and the satisfaction of seeing an incel get his comeuppance by a strong woman makes it worth the watch. The 2nd flick should be something that keeps the sleaze and bad vibes, but perhaps is a little more fun in an alcoholic fueled frenzy sort of way. I could think of nothing better than the first remake of Black Christmas from 2006. At a sorority house on Christmas Eve, a variety of women (Katie Cassidy, Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead) must survive the night as they are trapped and isolated at their own home by a sadistic serial killer, Billy, as he makes obscene phone calls and takes them out one by one. The original Black Christmas from 1974 is a stone cold classic, a tense and horrific movie that still holds up very well today. Black Christmas (2006) is, in some ways, the exact opposite. Extremely compromised by distributor Dimension Films (*cough cough* the Weinsteins), Black Christmas (2006) is a movie devoid of mystery and tense moments, one that purely rests it laurels on the gore, sleaze and snippy nature of the sorority girls. I know this sounds like I am trashing the flick, but I appreciate it paving its own path, going full low brow vs. the more sophisticated purpose and social views that the 74 version was interested in (specifically the abortion subplot). If you’re looking for the feel bad double bill of the year, look no further than these two.
Guns, Blunt Weapons & Jolly Vibes: The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) and Violent Night (2022)
When anyone thinks of “action movie” and “Christmas”, 99% of people gravitate to one answer – Die Hard. I do love the misadventures of Mr. McClane on Xmas Eve in LA, but in recent years I have been leaning more toward two other joints that are excellent action vehicles that are also set in and around the holidays. First off is 1996’s The Long Kiss Goodnight. Directed by Renny Harlin (Cliffhanger), this jaunt involves a seemingly normal housewife from New Jersey, Samantha Caine (Geena Davis), an amnesiac housewife who slowly discovers that she is a highly trained government assassin. Everyone, from hitmen to the U.S government itself, is now out to get to her and eliminate her at any cost. This flick is a fucking blast of frenetic energy. Geena Davis was amid her action heroine phase, and she kicks all sorts of ass. Samuel L. Jackson shows up as a seedy private eye that has great chemistry with Davis and provides a nice balance of comedy to the action bits. Craig Bierko is a slimy good villain and is just someone you love to hate. We get great setpieces involving a train station and a sequence where Samantha/Charley takes out some thugs driving in a car while on ice skates. The finale at the Niagara Falls bridge crossing between the U.S and Canada is also suitably epic and outlandish. The 2nd feature for this action two piece is just as filled to the brim with solid action and fight set pieces but is MUCH more ingrained in the Christmas holiday. Violent Night, directed by Tommy Wirkola, asks the question “What if Santa Claus, who used to be a Viking in a past life, was forced to protect a little girl and her rich extended family from terrorists trying to steal 300M in cash from a vault in the basement”? David Harbour plays the ex-Viking Santa Claus with such pathos and genuine humanity you believe him for every second that he is truly the man himself, even when he starts to tear through terrorists with pool balls, clubs, ice skates, and eventually his choice of weapon when he was a warrior, a sledgehammer. John Leguizamo is a true delight playing the main terrorist, with an extensive amount of glee across his face in every scene. One of the more enjoyable scenes in the film is a play on Home Alone, as main child in danger Trudy (Leah Brady) sets a bunch of Home Alone-esque traps for two of the main terrorists, which was suitably fun and brutal at the same time. Both these flicks are hard R action joints that don’t hold back and evoke the holiday in one way or another, and I love them for that.
A Very Cold Noir Christmas: Batman Returns (1992) and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
The winter season is always one that, while containing holidays such as Christmas and New Year’s, is marred by the shortest days of the year. Late sunrise, early sunset. It can be a bleak and cold time, depressing for some. I wanted to think of two films that evoke that sense of dark and cold but also involve some aspects of film noir – a favorite of mine. Noir is a genre of film that deals with detectives, femme fatales and the dark side of humanity. I think these two flicks evoke that feeling I am trying to describe, one more obvious and one more outside the box. First off is the outside the box choice, 1992’s extremely horny and amazingly dark superhero flick Batman Returns. Set during the Christmas season, Bruce Wayne/Batman (Michael Keaton) is now forced to contend with a trio of devious and complicated villains – the nefarious Penguin (Danny DeVito), corporate megalomaniac Max Schrek (Christopher Walken), and assistant turned femme fatale Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer). Director Tim Burton, armed with full creative control after the success of 1989’s Batman, delivers the film that you expect the man behind Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands. Tim has always been more interested in the weirdos, the villains, anyone who is not the typical “hero” archetype, the flawed human. How else would you describe a Batman movie that seems very uninterested in Batman himself and is more pre-occupied with the villains and more eccentric characters. Returns is my favorite live action bat flick precisely for that reason, more interested in exploring the more complex and thematically rich oddballs than the bland-o Bruce Wayne. DeVito is slimy and hilarious, Walken chews ALL the scenery and relishes playing just pure evil, but Pfeiffer runs away with the film, slinking her way with great aura shining through + having great chemistry with Keaton, making Bruce Wayne at least a somewhat interesting character. To follow-up a superhero flick, might as well go a more traditional noir film that just happens to co-star another actor who played Batman at one point. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a detective noir action comedy taking place in LA in the seedy underbelly of Hollywood. Small-time thief Harry Lockhart (pre-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr.) inadvertently gets himself cast in a major motion picture, which eventually leads to him getting embroiled in a real murder investigation involving the dream girl he pined for in high school (Michelle Monaghan) and a flamboyant detective (Val Kilmer) hired to prep Harry in his new role. Written and directed by Shane Black (who also wrote the screenplay for another film in this article – The Long Kiss Goodnight) has a real knack for crackerjack dialogue and interactions between his characters, and this movie is no different (I would also seek out The Nice Guys, another written/directed Shane Black joint, for another perfect script of a detective thriller heaven). Downey Jr. was born to deliver the barbs and retorts he has throughout this movie. Monaghan is a freaking gorgeous being to behold and its clearly understandable why Downey’s character still loves her to this day. Kilmer – who played Batman in the Joel Schumacher directed Batman Forever – is the real MVP of this film, stealing every single scene he is in with impeccable comic timing, something Kilmer is typically NOT known for and really surprised me when I first checked this movie out a few years ago. It’s just a real blast to watch and experience. If I had to choose a double bill to watch out of these three, this would be the one based purely on fun and enjoyment vibes, which both movies have in spades. It’s going to be a fun night guaranteed.
